Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize