Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
