I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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