I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize