I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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