I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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