my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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