I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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