I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
