They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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