I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
