My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
