you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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