my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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