I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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