Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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