the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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