You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
