I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
