Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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