Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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