How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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