Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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