When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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