I'd wear matching sweaters with you
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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