I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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