i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
