Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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