I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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