i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
