Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
