if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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