she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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