Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
