There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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