How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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