Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She told me I should be a condom model.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
