I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
