her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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