That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
