i already hear my dad disowning me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
