Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
