The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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