he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
