I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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