I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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