Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
