this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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