you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
