The maid of honor just puked.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
