I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
