I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
