Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize