my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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