sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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