so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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