just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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