I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
