Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
