If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
